I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
