tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize