I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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