I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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