imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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