I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize