i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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