so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
