I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
