what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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