listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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