I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize