I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
