my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize