If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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