Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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