I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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