I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
