I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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