I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
