Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Hippo gnu deer
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
