we're blogging at a bar
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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