Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
