I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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