You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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