I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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