when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize