sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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