If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize