Umm I'm too high to move.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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