I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
