i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
