I just cut my nipple shaving
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
