dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
