Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
