so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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