can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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