I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
