If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
