My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
