Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
