Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
