so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize