and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
