I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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