I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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