I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
