Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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