So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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