i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
