I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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