i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
