Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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