i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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