My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
