Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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