Hey man sorry I got all grabby
he thought i was a dude.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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