Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
