i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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