i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
