Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
