so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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