I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
there's paper in my vomit.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
