Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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